Haiss.. talking to chubb about this matter, can break my heart. he of all people knows how much i wanna become an officer.. it has nothing to do with honour or pride. but mainly about being able to push BGSS to greater heights. however, i doubt that's possible now. i may never get that chance again. i blame myself, i blame my parents..

If not because of my parents, i wouldn't be in this mess right now. i would still be living comfortably at home. still be leading my normal life. still be happy.. there are just too many worries for me to think about at this point.. i'm only gonna put stress on myself.. i hate my dad. i hate my mum.. how i wish i could just close my eyes and sleep... forever.

Fcuk all of you people. is it wrong of me to want to chase my dreams, to follow my ambition? hey doesn't mean i can show i brave front means everything is perfectly fine. i just choose not to share it. there's nothing wrong with that is there? doesn't mean i can smile, means i'm happy..
i'm not the type that pours everything out so people can pity me!

All these while, i hoped to become an officer. Charles sir has always been my role-model.. that's my dream.. help the zone, help my corp.. you think that i can simply just want to OOC every year izzit? that doesn't make sense.. since BNCO, i've always looked at the officer's safari uniform, and tell myself.. someday, i'm gonna be wearing one of those. perhaps that "someday" will never come..

Maybe i should just give up St.j. perhaps it's not my path in life. the ones who i have looked up to for guidance have failed me. i'm terribly disappointed.. yes, i do enjoy my time in St.j, enjoy the times that i have spent with friends. enjoy contributing so much, even at my own expense.. it's all gone down the drain..

Fcuk life. fcuk you. and fcuk everyone around you. i've never felt more dejected in my entire life. it's all a whole big bunch of crap. i enjoy my white side of life.. why must people force me to pick only one. why?! like i've said, don't push me too far.. i will not bear the consequences..


"What i love, i will destroy.." - Tyki Mikk